Ok. It has taken me a couple of days to process through the events of Monday night, November 16^th. I first want to thank everyone who has been praying for me. I greatly appreciate the support you guys have given me. So, here is what basically ate me alive emotionally. I will give you the events and what I thought during it and afterward, my reasoning and reflection of this situation.

The Story

I lead a bible study with my co-leader, Becky, for the group InterVarsity on Monday Nights at the Den (An eatery on campus, for those not familiar with Towson) at 8 o’clock. We getting ready to start with an “ice breaking question” which was if you could have a major that is not the one that you have right now, what would it be (My answer: Molecular Chemistry). As we are about to begin, an older man came walking over to our table. He introduces himself as Darryl Harris and told us that his son, Justin, was going to Afghanistan on December 18 for 400 days. Both Becky and I responded with a reassurance that our group will pray for him and his son. Darryl conversed with us for a bit about his life and while he was talking, I did notice that he was mentally imbalanced and sometimes had trouble putting coherent sentences together. I did not want him wandering around the campus, so, we invited him to stay with us and join us for bible study.

I handed him a piece of paper with the passage on it (John 15: 1-21) and a pen for underlining, making notes, etc. When Becky told the group to take a few minutes to read the passage silently, Darryl mentioned to us that he was unable to read the words on the paper because he did not have his reading glasses with him. He explained that far distances were not a problem for him but small print close up gave him some difficulty. So, we, as a group, read the passage out loud to him. Afterward, he smiled and went silent for a couple of minutes. While everyone in the group was rereading the passage, Darryl asked us if we had a Bible he could borrow for a second. Becky pulled out her Bible but Darryl remarked that there was no way he would be able to read this because the print was definitely too small. Darryl turned to Becky and asked if she was able to write down Psalm 23 for him. Once she completed this, he asked her to read the passage to him which she did. While she was reading, he began to cry and continued to mention his son going to Afghanistan which made him even more depressed. He proceeded to ask us to read him some of his favorite passages. Here are the passages that we collectively read as a group: Proverbs 14, 17, 25, 26, Psalm 54, and Ester 6.

While he sat with us, he continually repeated various phrases and actions. One of these actions was that he would stare into space and recall his serial number, rank, fort he served at and the state where the fort was located. After he would say this, he would mention the bad things happening in his life: his son going to war, his wife committing suicide, the pain that he was in, how he got disowned by his family for his condition and how he got jumped by a couple of young men who took his wallet which had 7 dollars in it and wanted to take his clothes as well. He asked the question: “Do you know who I am” frequently. When he was describing the pain that he was in, Becky brought bread for the group, so, there was a knife. He took the knife and pretended to push the knife into his back acting out the pain. Then, he would ask us what did he have to hold to and would he ever see his son again. Becky and I assured him that he would see his son again whether here on earth or in heaven. Towards the third or fourth time he would do this, he started adding more and more explicit words to his statements asking us to “pardon his French”. Again, on a constant basis, he would tell us about his son like it was a new topic.

At one point he asked where the bathroom and proceeded to use the facilities. Once he left, Becky got on the phone with a friend to find a place where he could get some help and I apologized to the group for the chaotic and unsettled nature of the bible study which they were very understandable (thank you). Once he came back, he asked us to continue reading the passages he wanted to hear. While this was going on, Becky and I were writing back and forth to each other for numbers and people we could call and what to do next. One time he caught me whispering to Becky and asked if he were trying to get rid of him. Unfortunately, caught between a rock and a hard place, I told him we wanted to get back to the bible study which was immediately interjected by Becky saying we should not concern ourselves with the study at this point.

Around 9:30 PM, he asked us if there was a place for him to smoke something. I can’t remember what he called it but it was not a cigarette because he was trying to quit and did not want to smoke them, so, this was a substitute for that. I thought that this was a great time to pray and dismiss group, so, Becky and I would not involve the group in this any longer. Once I finished up praying, Darryl gave us all hugs and wanted to see us again. Becky and I inquired after any type of information of relatives and residence from Darryl which he was not to forthcoming with. But we were able to pull out of him that this grandmother lived in an apartment complex maybe 10 minutes away from campus. So, Becky offered to give him a ride if I went with her because there was no way I was going to let her drive by herself.

We ushered him out of the Den where he proceeded to lit up his smoking product. Then, he stopped walking, was frozen and I asked what was wrong with his response being that he was afraid that we were going to kill him. With a smile and laugh, I tried to reassure him that those were not our intentions. We finally are able to get him to the car and as he is about to enter her car, he starts staring at a couple of girls who just parked. Becky and I asked multiple times what was wrong and is everything ok but no response; just staring. Honestly, I was not sure what was going to happen but fortunately, he broke his trance and told his that he always had our back and did not want anything to happen to us. Once he got into the car, Becky and I asked him if he was hungry and wanted to get some food. He was very non-committal to this proposal but said wherever we wanted to take him. So, we decide to take him to McDonalds. It was 10:00 PM.

We go through the drive thru and Becky gets him a cheeseburger because I unfortunately did not have my wallet on me. At this point, we still have not received a definite answer from Darryl as to where he needs to go. As when pull into the McDonalds parking lot, we sat together, talked more to Darryl and discussed where Darryl needed to go. He was continually frustrated with his life and what was he suppose to do. I told him about my brother and how his death has not stopped me from living my life. He put his arm around my head and while he was crying told me how sorry he was. After that, he mentioned to us that the bus could take him where he needed to go, so, Becky have him some money for the bus. As we get out to walk to the bus stop, he turns to us and asks if we wanted anything from IHOP because now he had money. We told him that the money was for his bus ticket and we were not hungry or thirsty. He became very hard to deal with, almost like a child who wants something to go their way. We showed him that the IHOP is closed and as we do this, the bus that he needed, the 19, drove right pass us. So, now, he would need to wait for the next one but he does not want to move from his spot. He introduced us to a specie of plant that was outside the IHOP which was a type of bush but I could not remember the name. He then complained to us that he knew all this information and people in the CIA, FBI and Homeland Security but could not understand what good this information did him. Next, he started crying and mentioned again his son, wife, how he got jumped and the question: “Do you know who I am?” This time was different than the previous because his language became more and more coarse and told us that he needed a cigarette and was an alcoholic. He shook his pant leg and a bottle of liquor came out and put it into the front portion of his pants where he had a shot glass as well.

Finally, Becky and I were able to convince him to come with us to the bus stop figure out where he needed to go. Being a suburbanite, trying to figure out the bus schedule was not easy and I do not think I even did. At this point, Darryl goes into this trance state and starts complaining about the people at the bus stop who were African American females. Realizing that this was not going to work out, Becky and I directed him back to her car. Once there, Darryl mentioned that he knew the security guard at Giant across the street, so, we drove to the Giant. I jumped out of the car and talked with the security guard on duty who had no idea who he was and mentioned that if I was looking for this residence, look at his license which he showed us along with this VA card. Smacking my forehead, I go back and ask Darryl for his license and his address was downtown Baltimore. Darryl stated that the apartment complex was right down the street, so, not wanting to go to downtown Baltimore at 10 PM, we opted for the apartment complex.

As we were driving, Darryl was showing us the places around where he lived and how he knew the owners and people working in these institutions. He brought up that he worked security at Towson and how he propelled off of Residence Tower with a harness and rope. Again, getting directions from him was very time consuming and frustrating because his thought process would bounce around from one idea to another idea. Finally, we get him to the apartment complex and we circled around a couple of times before he recognized the place but he stated that his grandmother’s car was not there. We asked if there was a neighbor that he could stay with: No, he would get arrested. We asked him if he could get into the apartment complex: No, he would get arrested. We asked if there was anyone else here that he could stay with: No. I later find out that he had not been to this apartment in years and he was not even sure if he could actually stay here. It is 10:45 PM.

As Becky and I are sitting there with Darryl trying to figure out what to do, we realized that we should just take him to GBMC. So, we proceeded to go back in the direction of Towson. When we told Darryl where we were taking him, he was not happy about this decision. On our way back, he tried multiple times to open the car door while we were driving and the last time he did that, Becky pulled over to an apartment complex on Burke Ave. He told us that he would be arrested if he gets out of the car, so, we turn to go out. Once we turned back onto Burke, he very harshly told us to go back where we just were and as we do, he made fun of us saying that he just told us that he would be arrested if he steps foot on this property. At this point, he becoming a tab bit confrontation and asks us to turn onto Stevenson to let him out because there is a guy plays bagpipes on this street and the guy knows him by face. It is 11:00 PM.

We pulled over to the side of the road, all of us got out and we talked for a bit. Becky and I were constantly letting Darryl that his safety and well-being was our number #1 concern and that we were not trying to kill him. He stated a couple of times that he had the ability to kill us and take Becky’s car if he wanted to but I did not think anything of this statement. Darryl was complaining about he had to sleep out in the cold tonight and he wanted us to drop him off at a convenience store. I thought that was legitimate but fortunately, Becky saw right through that and knew he wanted a cigarette, so, it was a no go. As we are standing there, Becky hands him her Bible and tells him to keep it. He then hands her a pamphlet with the title: “Psalm 91: the Soldier’s Psalm” because Becky mentioned that her brother was overseas right now. He turned and walked away from us as we drove away; leaving him on the street in the middle of the night. It was now 11:30 PM.

The Reflection

Once I got back to my apartment, I was emotionally drained, frustrated and angry, but when I was discussing with Becky after we dropped off Darryl, what should we have to feel sorry about: we fed him, we gave him shelter for a bit, we give him our time and our attention. There is nothing logically that should make us feel like we have failed in anyway. Since I have a tendency to be extremely hard on myself, I looked at the situation as he was cold and lonely before and now, he is still cold and lonely. I was frustrated and angry because you had to repeat yourself many times and answer the same question again and again. Every time I needed to answer the same question or continually inquire after where he needed to go, I held my anger and frustration in because I knew that those emotions would not help the situation at all. Monday night drained me of every emotional feeling for a while because I was at my wits-end. Then, once I got back, I realized that I had a test in ten hours in my Macroeconomic Theory Class. I knew exactly where this was going to go.

After not sleeping at all, I woke up early to study which proved to be somewhat productive, went to my two classes and then to Economics. When the professor handed me that test, I froze. Not to blow my own horn, but I am a very good test taker and I rarely ever freeze but to be honest, my mind was not in that classroom at all. I do not say this much but I honestly failed that test not because I did not know the material but my mind would not allow me to focus on what I needed to get done. To quote George Michael: “Not expecting a good reaction to this one”.

That entire day felt very numb. I was not like I did not care about the matters of others but I felt a little like a zombie and not being able to register the right emotions. I have always had a tendency to put on a good appearance for people and not to allow people to see me with negative emotions. I have the motto of if I am happy and upbeat, it will be a shining light in someone’s day because I hate seeing people depressed or frustrated with the world. So, I cannot allow myself to show those emotions. That feeling of numbness was very overpowering.

After I returned to my apartment from Lutheran Student Movement, I remembered my father gave me a call at noon to see how I was feeling because my facebook status was very melancholy. I felt that my parents deserved a call anyways. As I proceeded to tell them this story, I mentioned the part where Darryl stated his ability to kill and if we were going to kill him early for some reason and my father had to interrupt me to interject this point: “This story will keep us up tonight because I do not think you understood how close to danger and actually death you guys were tonight”. The first thing that hit me was that I had made my parents worry and that was the last thing I wanted to do but the most important part hit me just a few seconds later. I honestly could have been killed. My father started explaining to me that we took Darryl out of a closed and safe environment (college campus) into a world that was unfamiliar to us. My father’s wisdom continued to surface when he, as an outside after-the-fact observer, told me that my heart for helping people and doing God’s work overshadowed my reason. I do not have the ability to handle or care for a person in this state of mind but my desire to help him trumped any logic. The best way to show God’s love, my father continued, to help him get the accurate help that he needed. Being the nerd I am, I immediately thought of James Madison. Why is that? In Federalist No 49, Madison mentioned how a republican style government will prevent the population from having their passions supersede their reason. I felt like I had just proved Madison’s position. My wanting to help Darryl blinded the shear fact that I am not equipped to handle this man. I have always had a problem with the balance of giving and receiving. I constantly need to understand that there are other people in this world who want to give as well and it is not entirely up to me to shoulder this responsibility.

My parents wanted to make sure I did not lose sight of the fact that what Becky and I did was far and above more than what any normal person would have done in this situation. The analogy my father used was that if this was a 100 m race, we ran a 5K. That was my goal was to do what Jesus would have done if this happened to him: WWJD. I wanted so badly to be Jesus but as I have been telling my good friend, Chris, that there is a difference between being Jesus and being like Jesus. No matter how hard I try, I will never, ever, ever be Jesus. I got lost in this philosophy even though my intentions were very noble in the sense that all I wanted to do was to help Darryl find his home and give him some companionship along the way. To quote Casting Crowns, I wanted to love him like Jesus. My mother saw this as a “training exercise” for me that God had put in my path to show me something or to prepare me for the future because I did not get hurt. I truly believe that but it does not mean that the situation still did not suck. The beauty of growing pains.

As I am sitting on the floor with tears streaming down my face at how oblivious I was to the situation, how I made my parents worry, how I failed my ECON test and how it did not feel like I helped Darryl at all, my mother insisted that she pray over me. So simple. After she finished, this was one of those moments where I realized how truly blessed I was to have these amazing parents who cared so much for me and who were always by my side. Besides being scared for my life, they could not have been prouder of me that in a difficult situation like this that I fell back on Jesus and His Word. They were truly amazed at the length to which Becky and I went to for this stranger.

When we finished talking, my father suggested that I go to bed early, read some Scripture and call them tomorrow. While I was reading this morning, I came across a passage in 1 Peter that made me think about Monday night. In Chapter 3, it stated that “it is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil” and “But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed”. That basically described what I went through but as I continued to read to Chapter 5, Peter stated that young men must be “self-controlled and alert”. I was incredibly self-controlled in this situation but I was never alert to anything. So, I found it interesting that I must be alert when doing an act for God because “the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour”. I guess my father’s advice was not so crazy or convoluted after all. Seriously, though, I found so much comfort in this morning’s reading because I have not been reading as much as I would like to in the last couple of weeks. When I found a moment to do so, my problems did not completely disappear but I was reassured to keep doing what I do and when you find yourself lost, Jesus is always by your side to pick you up and carry you wherever the future holds for you.

I cannot say that I am completely back to my “normal self” because I do not think I can go back. This experience is something that will change life and it opened my mind to the world around me and learned something about myself. I certainly have learned a tremendous amount that I think will prove to be very useful in the future. I have no hard feelings against Darryl or wish him any ill will whatsoever. I will still pray for Darryl, his son, Justin and his family because that is what I do. Darryl provided me with an experience that I am still having trouble putting into words (even after nine Word Document pages). I do not think this entry of mine will encompass everything that I learned, witnessed or experienced but I believe God was working and molding me to make me stronger for the future. Everyone of us will have struggles in this life but the depth of our character will be shown by what we lean on to help us through these times, how we handle the aftermath and what we learned from these times. I had my friends, parents, pastors and God. I admit that I was depressed after my meeting with Darryl but thanks to everyone around me, I am able to take life one step at a time. What I learned from this: it keeps coming. Let’s just say I learned a lot.

Again, I want to thank everyone for keeping me in your prayers.

[	mood	|	touched	]
[	music	|	Save a Place for Me- Matthew West	]

I must say that this summer has been most agreeable. At its beginning, I received a feeling that I would experience growth of every aspect. I can not say that this growth is noticeable to the naked eye but I certainly feel differently. Learning came be an interesting process.

Last Tuesday, my good friend, Lynn, directed me towards a devotion that she is completing in her seminary training called Lectio Divina. Meaning “holy reading” in Latin, this devotion is designed for a person to examine the Word more extensively with absorbing what God is trying to show them through this meditation. Something different but very challenging as I found out. You produce a story from your life that was triggered by a particular verse or phrase, then you develop questions that you have and listen for the actions that God wants you to take as a result. This devotion forces you into self-examination and even though I am not proud, I become very critical of myself, especially spiritually. It is not terrible to view the faults and trials of oneself but I have a habit of magnifying those faults of mine out of proportion. An outside observer might see me as an upstanding Christian but sometimes, I view myself as the worst of worst. I was talking with my mum about this and she noticed that I switched this attitude of myself from football to faith because I was notorious for beating myself up over my playing performance. Now, I have found another outlet for this self-loathing and unfortunately, it was my faith. I know I am overacting but this is the tendency I tend have.

Once my mum was able to drill into my mind that trying your best is all God appreciates, I realized my motto of “It is about the effort you put into life, not the results”: I was not following this at all which made me ever more frustrated that I can not even follow my own advice. Again, once I was able to rid myself of this incredibly bad self-loathing, I start examining the devotions more intimately and I had a startling revelation: each passage forced me to relive a story from my past and each story, however bizarre, gave me a sliver of knowledge and wisdom from God. It astonished me that a simple story could produce so much. I am unsure whether or not I am able to keep this devotion going but I am eternally grateful for the things that have been revealed to me through these passages and my stories.

Speaking of God’s goodness, I have mentioned before that I am going on a missions trip to Nicaragua in..wow about a month. I spoke to my uncle and our associate pastor, Pastor Galen, about the opportunity to speak to the congregation about my trip and to ask for their support and prayers. We are a relatively small church and any donations at all would be a blessing. To be honest, I was not expecting much. Man, that statement was shoved right into my face. Only speaking one weekend at three services, I have now accumulated over $400 in donations!!! I am flabbergasted at the times that God provides for us particularly this one. I am so thankful to everyone who is supporting me, I can not begin to tell how much this means to me. If I was not sure that God wanted me to go to Nicaragua, I am pretty sure I have the answer to that question.

This event reminded of the people who would cook dinners for our family when Alex was sick. Something as simple as food brightened not only our days but our spirits because the last thing on both my parents’ minds was what are we having for dinner. Again, it was people from my home church who provided for us. It is amazing to see the goodness in this world because sometimes, we definitely lose sight of that goodness due to various forces and events in this world. Food: it is so simple yet needed so dearly. This is where my optimism first sprouted because if people were able to take time and effort from their own busy days to think and care for us, there is nothing stopping me from returning the favor and seeing the world for the good in it. It is easier to see to the chaos and evil in the world, so, I decide to take a different path. Plus, people enjoy optimism more than pessimism.

I know I am late on this one but the four year anniversary of my brother’s death was on Monday. It is truly hard to believe that it has been four years. At 1 AM Monday morning, I got this sudden urge to play Nintendo GameCube. I really do not enjoy video games and the only reason I ever played them was because my friends were, so, I guess consider it a bit of peer pressure. But never on my own. My brother loved this system more than anything. I can not begin to tell you how many hours/days he spent on that thing. After realizing that Alex was probably the force behind my urge, I decided to embrace it and pull out the old GameCube and play Tiger Woods PGA Tour. I could only play it for about a half an hour before I lost pleasure and enjoyment in the game. This made me smile though because I knew this was not random or by coincidence. I do enjoy the “Alex moments” that I receive because there are truly special, like playing GameCube. Plus, I always try to wear something that reminds of Alex on his day, so, I wore a pair of bright orange shorts because he absolutely loved orange and I found a T-shirt of when he played roller hockey for the YMCA. A little small, but it did not matter. Alex’s two best friends, Kevin and Andy, who are friends of mine as well, came over and hung out for a while. I know my mum really appreciated it.

My junior yearbook has a page dedicated to my brother and the quote my parents picked to put into the page was from his confirmation essay: “Faith has tested every one of us. But sometimes, you will have to trust in what you believe and where your faith leads to get through the day.” I am always in awe of the wisdom that Alex possessed considering that of three of us kids, he had the lowest grades. I sometimes do feel regretful that I did not pay attention much to what Alex had to say but I am thankful that I am able to still learn even though he is not here with us anymore. What a special kid. I will say that I can not wait until I see him again. And Mrs. Deveau: my second mother. And Grace Blackwell: my grandmother. I do miss my brother.....

I leave you with Matthew West:

Don't be mad, If I cry
It just hurts so bad, sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again

You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

Save a place for me, Save a place for me. I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon
Save a place for me, Save some grace for me. I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

[	mood	|	thoughtful	]
[	music	|	Your Hand in Mine- Explosions in the Sky	]

I remember when I was a young lad that every time I got sick was a fantastic day. No school. Stay at home and watch TV. Do not have to worry about anything. You never actually felt sick as an added bonus. What happen to those “sick days”? I know this incredibly small potatoes to what my brother went through but it still sucks to be sick, especially the flu. With a cold, you still can do through your daily routine no problem, but the flu restricts you to the couch and makes you appreciate the “normalice” of life.

I have discovered that whenever life is not normal, you desperately want to be normal again but on the flipside, when life finally positions itself to normal, you complain that life is too dull or uninteresting. Having a “normal” life is not necessarily a bad thing because you feel like you have some sort of control over life. When it becomes chaotic, out of control or deviates from what you expect, you wonder why you wanted a more eventful life. Sorry about this rant; it is just this past week, I have been thinking about Alex a lot since in less than two weeks, it is coming up four years since he passed away. His life and our life become “unnormalized” when he got cancer, so, I have always had this urge of wanting life to be in my control, my terms, and have events happen in the order that I wanted them to occur. I was tired of having life be chaotic and having the routine changed.

I think that is the reason why it took me a few years after Alex’s death to find God again because I was questioning the motives and did not like my life being this complicated. When I was basically “shut down” from doing things these last couple of days, I felt like God was giving me another lesson of why I need to trust Him even more. To be honest, I was being very selfish in my thinking this summer: wanting to grow, need to find a job to help fund college and Nicaragua trip, start working out again, training harder for the fall, relearn the guitar again. All these activities are noble things to pursue but my problem was that I was not pursing them with the help of God. I felt like I could take on all these “projects” on my own to prove to….. I guess, myself, I do not even know. When I was sick, I need to rely on God more since I could not use these daily activities of mine to help me through the day and keep my mind occupied. I was reading Ezekiel today and for the first 30 chapters, Ezekiel’s job as the voice of God was to deliver constant bad news to the Israelites: a new conqueror every day, famine, more war. Then, after all of that bad news (including the death of his wife), the bad news prophet turns into a deliverer of hope and optimism with God never forgetting his promise to His people. Sure, my flu is nothing catastrophic but I got the message God was trying to send to me: do not do this on your own and I am always here. It is always reassuring to know that as many times I fail and disappoint Him with my selfish, He is there to pick me up, brush me off and say, “Ok, here you go. On your feet and let’s give this life thing another shot.” Grace. Grace. Grace. Thank you Mr. Luther for making the concept of grace a big deal, because it is.

The passage I seemed to come across a lot this week was when Ezekiel is standing in a valley filled with the bones of some much expired corpses and Lord commands him to prophesize to these bones, so, they can become alive again through the powers of God. Then, bones not only come back together but obtain flesh, blood, and breathe again. When God asks Ezekiel if these bones can live again, his response is what my response should be from every occasion which is “O Sovereign Lord, you alone know.” Ezekiel had no idea how God was going make this valley of bones living and breathing human beings again but he knew God would find a way. He always seems to find a way for everything in my life even if I do not expect it or see it coming. Even though I consider myself a Christian and follow God with my whole heart, I still need a kick in the behind from God when I stray away from the path. My problem before was that I thought I knew the direction my life needed to go but I was oblivious. See, I sometimes need a wake-up call from God. Plus, His wake-up calls are more interesting, beneficial and enjoyable than the ones from hotels. I must say that I do not mind having these epiphanies so much even if that means I need to tackle some hurdles because they help me so much and again, like always, bring me closer to God.

I can not say my flu was all bad either because since I had time to kill, while listening to Pandora, I discovered a wickedly awesome band called Explosions in the Sky. They are an instrumental band from Texas and their music has been so refreshing and soothing. It is not flashy but yet, it is catchy. I do not think it was coincidence that I found this band. Their music has calmed my mind a lot since it has been racing the last couple of days. On Sunday, I played in my first game since the end of the spring season which seems like forever ago. I was happy to be back on the pitch again but a little frustrating because I needed to shake off some rust since I am not practicing everyday, I lost a bit of my timing. I am not too worried about it. I just need to get back into the rhythm. There it is again. A routine.

Sometimes I wish I would blindly go through life, not questioning, not thinking, just like a simple sheep but then I ask myself: where would be the fun in this confusing and crazy thing we call life? Sure, sometimes, I end up with more questions than answers or force me to examine my faults and failures which is never an easy thing to do or think about experiences that were difficult for me but I am stronger, more confident and have more trust in God thanks to everything. I would not want to have it any other way. Thank you for the flu, Lord…..

Two years.  730 days. 17520 hours. 1,051,200 minutes. 63,072,000 seconds.

Well, you get the point. I have just finished up two years of college and I will say that God has blessed me this year. Again. I don’t know why He does but Martin Luther stated it best that “such confidence and knowledge of God's grace makes you happy”. I am extremely happy to be aware of this grace.

I am in a reflective mood and with reflection, comes explanation. As I look back on my sophomore year while watching Above the Law; Steven Seagal’s first movie, with my parents, the common theme I seem to be coming back to each time is understanding that there is a place for everything, He has a plan for me and He does not work on my time or my wants. If I was able to have all my wants come to fruition, years, no days later, would not be kind to me because I am unable to see past my selfish self and the immediate pleasure they give me. Trust me, just because I am a Christian does not mean I still do not desire things.

At the beginning of my year, I wanted to play in my first game so badly. I worked extremely hard over the summer: running, lifting, working on my footwork. I felt like I deserved to play at least one game for all the work and what I committed to this team. I desired that so much and dreamed about it so much but it was not my time and I was not ready. I could have the biggest beef with my coach but I do not because I understand that the team and God’s plan is greater than anything I can conjure up. I was happy that I am still practicing as hard as I ever have without the constant gratification of playing and thanking God for the positive/optimist attitude that I have obtained from years of work, life experiences that I witnessed and realizing that being angry with the world helps no one. But eventually, the effort I put into this was greatly rewarded ironically not when I expected it to. We went to Germany for Spring Break in order to play some semi-pro teams and to do a little traveling. In the three games that we played, I played in two of those games, including the U23 Trier team. And I played very well. For me to say that is huge because I am my own worst critic when it comes to my performance on the pitch. After Germany, during our Spring season, I made an appearance in every game. I must say that it was totally worth the wait and I am glad that I stuck with the team. Trust.

When it comes to the student groups I was in, the theme this year was leadership with a minor in learning as well. Last year, I wanted to join groups for the sake of joining but this year, I wanted to take an active role in each group that I participated in. I dropped my involvement with College Republicans and Proud Athletes Who Serve (PAWS) and added the TU Political Economic Discussion Group. Anna, good friend from InterVarsity, told me her and Professor Baetjer wanted to get this type of group off the ground this year and as a Poly Sci major, this was such a great idea. As a result of my commitment to do God’s work, I was a “leader” in each religious group (Lutheran Student Movement, Athletes in Action, InterVarsity). I lead a bible study for InterVarsity, I create a bible study for Athletes in Action and I am a peer minister for Lutheran Student Movement. One of the concerns my mum was worried about this year was that I was involved in too much and I would break down or not sleep as a result. I will admit that sleep was low on my priority list and my grades did not suffer. The reason that I do all that I do is because I enjoy everything. I have decided that if there comes a point where I view each group I participate in as a job or something I loathe, then I will drop something but I do not view it that way. Every night, I have something going on. I love it, I truly done. It has been hard, frustrating and extremely tiring at times but I do not regret doing the things I do and I had so much fun in the process. Whoever thought bible studies would be this much fun. Thanks to LSM, I will be going to Nicaragua through a local Lutheran church on a mission’s trip this July. They help a local Nicaraguan church called Fe y Esperanza (Faith and Hope) with whatever they need help with that day because the people of Latin America live day to day unlike most people in the States who think years into the future. I am hoping to learn so much from these people and about God that I will benefit me on my journey.

The fall semester really tested me even though to everyone else it would have been a fantastic semester. I received my first B overall in Spanish which broke my 4.0 overall GPA. You may be asking, “Eric, you are absolutely _________ (in fill appropriate adjective involving a level of craziness beyond understanding) for feeling sorry about a B”. Well, especially in high school, my type A personality and perfectionist mantra was at an all-time high where the littlest things I would do wrong, I would blow it up out of unbelievable proportion to point of complete breakdowns. Fortunately, through these experiences and God’s help, my stress levels on schoolwork has severely subsided and at a healthy point here in college. So, when I received that B (actually B+), I was very happy about that because I worked hard to get that grade and I was not disappointed. Honestly, I was not. Younger Eric would have gone crazy but New and Experienced Eric understood the power of perception. Spring semester: I feel like the 4.0 is probably back. Two As down, Statistics was my proudest one. That class was not enjoyable. It is not like I study 24/7 as evidence with the items mentioned previously but understanding the balance between school and social aspects of college is crucial.

Ok, so you are asking yourself, “Eric, you have talked about school, soccer and student life, but of course, I want to hear about your relationship front”. Well, fine then. At the beginning of the semester, I met a girl at a church I was going to and since I was at Towson early for soccer, I had some time on my hands to hang out with her. As time moved forward and our schedules starting developing, I realized that it was not going to go any further. I was fine with that because she did not go to Towson, so, it would have been hard either way. This is why I am glad all my impulses are not granted by God because oh man, He had something special brewing for me. Throughout the entire year, people asked me why I did not have a girlfriend. I would always tell them that I was waiting for God to provide for me: it could happen five minutes and fifty years later but He is on the job for me. It was not that I was not looking and searching but allowing God to guide me and not to act on physical attraction. Simple plan but sometimes so hard to follow. I was accused of having a relationship with Jesus sometimes. Ha Ha Ha.

Every time I would give this speech of mine, this one girl always seemed to be in the room. We both found it ironic that I ended up telling her that I had strong feelings for her after hearing these speeches. At the beginning of the Spring semester, I become a peer minister for Lutheran Student Movement and this meant I would be spending more time with one Ms. Walker. As I discovered, this turned out to be much more fun than I ever imagined. Since Kristen was in a relationship at the beginning of the semester, I never thought of anything beyond friends. As the semester progressed, I was able to find out what a wonderful and God-fearing woman she was. When she ended her relationship, I started thinking about it more and more, wondering if it would ever work between us. I doubted myself for many reasons: I never had a relationship before, she seemed way out of my league, I was too dorky for her, she is graduating in a few months.

Not wanting to regret anything, I needed to tell her how I felt about her. To show how big of a dork I was, I wrote down some important things that I wanted to mention to her and not to forget. I did not read it to her at that moment but I did show her. At first, we decided to be friends which was fine with me but as we hung out more outside of LSM, I must say that my attraction for her was growing and she was having the same epiphany as well. I mean what is not to like about her: Lutheran, funny, gorgeous, smart, witty, insightful, similar music tastes, loves the beach and hot weather, amazing personality and is committed to God’s plan. The last month has been interesting and enjoyable to say the least. I will say that another reason why I can not wait until Nicaragua is because she will be going as well. God works in mysterious ways…

Life is good. Life is greater than grades, looks, number of friends, wealth, “successful” life, relationships or any other thing people strive for. Set Your Goals said it best “Life is about doing the process and not the results, life is about doing it whether you want to or not”. The ultimate question I asked myself about this semester was: Did I enjoy it? My emphatic answer is YES. I can’t believe that I have two and half more years of this….